The Crates League

Good morning everyone.  My apologies for being a day late, but I was doing some "Roadie" work for the Shades of Blue orchestra.  Friday night was a terrific night of Crates with all kinds of nonsense going on.  We got to see Josh get back in the winner's circle.  Michelle is keeping the FCC on our case, Saunders was loud of course but not in the way we all prefer.  Tommy went from hero to zero faster than you can say Ambesol and Kristy, she's so freaking pretty.   Here we go...

 

What are the odds that on 80s Music Bingo Night, the guy who wins is the ONLY member of the league who was born well after the 80s?  Like, gag me with a spoon!  You can't make this stuff up!

The 80s Music Bingo Night was totally tubular for the Heir Apparent, as Josh stamped out the competition with a pair of wins and a pair of seconds.  For the first time in what seems like Back to the Future, Josh finally put together the kind of night we've always known he was capable of. Great Scott!  The kid actually remembered how to play Crates!  Josh was Footloose and fancy-free, dropping bingo daubs and B-boying like he was auditioning for an MTV music video.  He was one win away from a three-peat performance, but some Mafia goon decided to go all Cobra Kai on him and swept his leg.  Talk about a bogus way to lose!  But don't have a cow, man! After a championship drought dating back to Season 3, the Heir Apparent finally returned to the throne to claim his fourth career title. The rest of the league might want to Take a Chill Pill, because Josh just went from The Breakfast Club to the winner's club.  Party on, Josh! That was one righteous night of Crates!

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Jimmy found himself back on the podium for the second consecutive week.  Apparently, the stars are aligning for the Reverend, although even Jimmy admitted that winning three in a row would require a little Back to the Future magic.  Jimmy was either Top Gun or Howard the Duck at the tables, finishing with two wins while his other performances looked like they belonged in a deleted scene from Revenge of the Nerds.  One game he was Maverick, flying high and buzzing the tower.  The next, he was Goose.  Those other games were so grody that the Mafia might need to call an emergency meeting to discuss the Reverend's safety.  Nevertheless, the Don continues to remind everyone who's got a say in running the House of Crates.  Like Tony Montana in Scarface, Jimmy isn't going to just surrender, it's going to take a Rocky vs. Drago performance to knock out the reigning King of Crates.​

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Jason S. put together a strong night after the absolute chaos that unfolded at last week's Hobby Lobby event.  Jason joined the Mafia at the beginning of the season, ran a few errands, picked up some cannolis, whacked a couple of nobodies, and now suddenly thinks he's ready to run the entire family.  Whoa there, Sonny! Just because Jimmy lets you drive the getaway car doesn't mean you get to sit in the Reverend's chair!  Apparently, Jason thinks he's the new boss, but Jimmy has a little news for him.  You don't overthrow the Don with one title and a big mouth! You can't just go all bada-bing, start a turf war, and expect the family to clean up your mess.  Jimmy built this empire on political connections, intimidation, and a saving a whole bunch of threes.  Jason's been in the family for five minutes and already thinks he's auditioning for Miami Vice.  The Reverend made one thing perfectly clear: Jason might have a seat at the table, but Jimmy still owns the restaurant.  Nevertheless, Jason's podium finish proves he's becoming a legitimate made man, and his stock within the family is rising.  But there's a fine line between being the heir to the throne and sleeping with the fishes.  Jimmy may be getting older, but he's not handing over the family business to some rookie who still needs permission to use the company car!

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Two weeks ago, Vernon reached out to those in need, because friendship is important, especially in a game where your so-called friends will stab you in the back for 20 points.  The Trustees were born!  No leader, no egos, just a band of brothers and sisters united for one noble and just cause: take down the Mafia!  Let's be honest, the first real week of the Trustees was a train wreck.  It was like A-Team where only one guy knows the plan and the others were barking over who got to be Mr. T.  Vernon did everything he could to lead the rebellion because, as Yoda once said, "The Force is strong with this one."  He scored a pair of wins, but somewhere along the way, the Trustees apparently go all Lando Calrisian and leave Vernon to be frozen in carbonite.  Nevertheless, Vernon still believes in the Trustees, but perhaps a little more time spent developing strategy and tactics would be beneficial before everybody starts exchanging friendship bracelets, picking out matching jackets, and singing We Are the World.  This isn't The Care Bears Movie, people!  We're trying to take down the freaking Mafia, not organize a charity bake sale!  Despite being left for dead, Vernon improved his standing and remains in excellent position to fulfill the immortal words of Jake Taylor from Major League: "Win the whole f@#&ing thing!"  Trustees, ASSEMBLE! Oh wait, wrong decade.  In God, We Trustee!

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The Women's Division has turned into Musical Youth's Pass the Dutchie, because in four weeks, all four ladies have held the coveted pink yarn.  Apparently, nobody wants to keep it longer than a Blockbuster rental!  This week's recipient?  Kristy!  She scored "The Sampler," which by now you all know is the Crates equivalent of finishing in each place.  However, last night proved Kristy is NO friend of the Trustees!  She's not Mafia either.  She's more like a freelance assassin working for the highest bidder, with a crochet hook in one hand and a hit list in the other.  Her targets? Tommy and Vernon.  Tommy was killed faster than Drew Barrymore in the opening scene of Scream, while Vernon was the Thanksgiving turkey, saved for the grand finale, stuffed, carved, and served with a side of betrayal!  I'm not sure how much collateral damage Kristy caused, but she was playing with more vengeance than Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction.  Somebody better hide the rabbit!  The Trustees thought the Mafia was their biggest threat, but apparently the real danger was a super beautiful and gorgeous woman.  Meanwhile she's silently plotting their demise.  The million-dollar question remains: Who exactly is Kristy taking orders from?  Could it be an underground yarn cartel?  Alpacas?  Or is she just a murderous traitor pretending to be a faithful?

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First off the pay charts and finishing sixth was Lorch.  It was a ho-hum night for the solo act, who apparently had Three's Company on his mind, finishing third three times.  Lorch was a menace to the leaders, delivering four HTLs and padding his points total considerably.  But it's been a rough week for the J-Man.  First, his beautiful lady mistook his best friend for his father which made him feel great.  Then reality struck, when some stranger at the gym thought he was the older brother!  At this rate, somebody's going to ask him what it was like growing up during the Disco Years!  Could this identity crisis explain his lackluster performance?  Maybe it was just the cards. Crates and Lorch have always enjoyed a loving relationship, but this week it was like Lorch caught Crates cheating on him with another woman.  Now Crates has some serious trust to rebuild, and a little couples counseling might be in order.  Or perhaps Lorch should just wipe the slate clean, shave that head, and remind everybody he's a man still in his 40s, not someone who spent his teen years dodging the draft to Vietnam.

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Hi Michelle!  It's so good to see you sitting there with your hooks, yarn, and other crochet gadgets, smiling away and living your best life.  Michelle's stat line was about as exciting as Lorch's, with three thirds and a game she'd probably like erased from the record books.  But hold on, folks! She's got the eye of the tiger, and she's starting to understand the thrill of the fight!  Michelle and Big Tim are finally figuring out that League Crates is a whole different animal from the friendly little home game where everybody holds hands and sings Kumbaya.  The Carrolls double teamed on Vernon, because honestly, who hasn't at this point, and treated him to a couple of shuffle pressures.  How sweet!  Glad you scored your HTL's against that handsome pile of muscle.  Michelle is actually quite pleasant once you get past the colorful vocabulary she unleashes when someone makes her draw a card.  She even complimented the strategy of putting someone out when you're holding very few points. Great Scott!  She's learning the long game!  With the Women's Championship being passed around faster than a microphone at a We Are the World recording session, Michelle will always have a (insert expletive here)ing chance.  I must ask one question: Michelle, are you secretly paying Kristy to eliminate the Trustees, or is this just another one of your little crochet projects?

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Right behind Michelle is Big Tosh.  I mean Big Tim.  Tim might be right that there is no skill in Crates.  It's like other games he is good at.  You know, that skillful Texas Bingo card game and make-believe football.   Who am I to make fun of pretending to be a football owner and picking random players in the hopes they do well being matched up against other random teams.   I'm sure there's a skill to it, but only when one admits there's a skill if he sees an advantage.  Just like Texas Bingo, the skill is in the bet.  In Crates, there's a skill too.  But I can't yell louder than Big Tim to prove I'm right.  Causing yelling loudest is right and Tim is always loudest.   We must congratulate Tim on lucking his way to his first Crates League victory since there was probably no skill to it.  Big Tim, when you got that beautiful woman to say I do.  I'd like you to admit what the skill to luck ratio was to make that miracle happen.  

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Biting the bullet for the Mafia family this week was Melody.  You could tell it wasn't going to be her night from the start.  First, the Mafia rolled in late because apparently the rest of the league operates on Melody Standard Time.  Then the entire family got a table to themselves, which I'm sure was nothing but hugs, kisses, and a few hit-style discussions about who needed to sleep with the fishes.  Melody, being the brains of this criminal enterprise, has spent the last two weeks sweating the Trustees ever since Chrissy walked away with her precious pink yarn.  What Melody didn't realize was that the Trustees were about a serious threat to the Mafia right up until the moment they actually started playing Crates.  Turns out the Trustees had all the organizational skills of a Three Stooges reunion!  Nevertheless, Melody spent the evening taking bullets for the family while the Reverend sat comfortably on his throne, polishing his crown and pretending he built the empire himself.  Talk about Total Eclipse of the Heart!  Melody's out there taking hits like Kevin Costner in The Bodyguard, except she's protecting a man who probably wouldn't give her a five-point Social if his life depended on it!  Who ever heard of a woman putting her man's success ahead of her own?  Seriously, do women like this even exist anymore?  Is Melody some kind of mythical unicorn?  Or has Jimmy simply convinced her that behind every successful man is a woman doing all the work while he takes all the credit?  Somebody call Unsolved Mysteries, because the biggest mystery in The Crates League isn't how Jimmy keeps winning.  The biggest mystery is who is paying Kristy to kill the Trustees?

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Off topic but, I wonder if Lorch has sent Vernon an F.U. text by now.

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Oh Bobby, Bobby, Bobby!  How in the world do you go an entire night without getting Zinged and STILL finish 10th?  That's right, folks!  Bobby accomplished the impossible, avoiding every Zing thrown his way and somehow managing to stink up the joint anyway!  He scratched out a win and a second, but the rest of his games were so atrocious that even Stevie Wonder could've seen those disasters coming!  Bobby got lucky in the final game when Kristy was so busy putting Vernon through the woodchipper from Fargo that Bobby snuck in and stole the victory.  Talk about being in the right place at the right time!  Makes sense, it's how he won his league championships.  But Bobby continues to cling to those same tired strategies as a guy still wearing his Members Only jacket, listening to his REO Speedwagon cassette, and insisting that New Coke is going to make a comeback.  Wake up, Bobby!  It's not 2025 anymore!  Until Bobby puts a little color in his game, or for crying out loud, even on his shirt, he'd better get used to scrolling down to find his name in the standings.  At this rate, Bobby's Crates career is turning into a Groundhogs Day sequel.  Same results, different day.  

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❤️ was Chrissy's response to her formal invitation to join the Trustees. 💔 was her first performance since accepting.  Talk about going from Pretty in Pink to pretty pathetic!  But fear not, Chrissy, because Vernon hasn't given up on you!  He desperately needs a strong woman in his corner.  He's already got one who curses his very existence and calls him a lying jerk face, another who tries to match wits with him (emphasis on TRIES), and a third who's apparently plotting his demise inbetween crochet projects.  Chrissy, you are our chosen one, you are not another charity case!  She managed a win and a second, so somewhere beneath that struggling Crates exterior, there's potential.  But right now, Chrissy is looking like the before picture in an 80s teen makeover movie.  We're talking The Karate Kid meets Pretty in Pink, except Mr. Miyagi has his work cut out for him and Molly Ringwald might want to keep the receipt!  The Trustees need to teach Chrissy how to "wax on" when crates starts "waxing off", because our poor girl is still trying to fight all five Cobra Kai at once.  We got you Chrissy, we got hugs for you and a plan!  The Trustees will reunite and bring good and prosperity to the people of the world.  And you will be an integral part of the process.  In God, we Trustee.

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Last but certainly not least, our former champion, Tommy! The man who helped form the Trustees but apparently thought we were starting a friendship club instead of a rebellion.  Tommy wanted matching bracelets, custom T-shirts, and perhaps a little That's What Friends are for sing-along. Strategy?  Tactics?  Nah, let's just hug it out!  Unfortunately, Tommy wasn't taken down by the Mafia, the very enemy he swore to destroy.  Instead, he was hunted by a maniacal freelance assassin who apparently traveled back from the future to settle every broken heart Tommy ever left behind.  Imagine every woman Tom ever disappointed rolled into one smiling, yarn-wielding Terminator armed with shuffle pressures and count cards.  Kristy wasn't playing Crates.  She was collecting 30 years of emotional damages!  Remember Chicago's infamous Disco Demolition Night?  Well, this was the Crates version, except instead of burning Bee Gees records, Kristy threw Tommy's championship dreams onto the bonfire and danced around the flames!  Tom was defeated, deflated, and discarded faster than a woman searching for her inhaler after a two-mile walk.  But don't count out our fallen hero!  Like Rocky Balboa getting pummeled by Clubber Lang, Tommy may have lost the battle, but the comeback montage is already underway.  Cue Eye of the Tiger, break out the training gear, and somebody get this man a new dating profile!  The Trustees don't abandon their own, and you can't keep a good man down, especially one who's been knocked down by women as many times as Tommy!  From the ashes of Kristy's destruction, a champion shall rise again.  The Mafia may have survived another week, but Tommy's revenge tour is just getting started.  In God, We Trustee!

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We have officially reached the halfway point of Season 5, and the standings are tighter than a pair of Jordache jeans.  I hope everyone has managed to survive an entire day without the news, although I'm sure some of you are still recovering emotionally from reading about yourselves.  Congratulations to Josh on capturing his fourth career title!  He'll make a fine champion, although he's already reminded us several times that he might just be the greatest champion who ever lived.  That's adorable, Josh. Unfortunately, that title is already taken, and as long as Vernon is still breathing, the best Josh can hope for is first runner-up in the greatness department.  But hey, dream big, kid!  Even the Goonies needed a little imagination before they saved Astoria.  Anyway, have a totally tubular week, everybody!  Love ~ V

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